As I’m blogging from England, sooner or later I'll have to talk about football so I may as well do it now and get it over and done with. It’s taken for granted that men are born with an affection for the sport that surpasses anything they will ever feel for wives, partners or girlfriends. Women however are allowed to choose whether or not the game appeals to them. So when I meet a new man socially, I'm often asked if I watch football. My replies: “Only if I can’t find the remote,” or, “If I can’t find something to drill holes in my head with,” amuse some people. Others look at me in complete disbelief as if I’d just explained that I was E.T. and lived in a spaceship.
For those afflicted with footballitis, an inflammation of the brain and heart, there isn’t any cure for the condition, but it can be treated with a pint of beer, a packet of Walkers cheese and onion crisps and a season ticket for a Premier League football club.
Then there’s the offside rule. My understanding of this is that if player A is between player B from the opposite team and the goal then player A is offside. The end result is player B gets a free kick or throw or whatever they do. To my simple brain, the whole point of football is to score goals and stop the other side from scoring so getting between player B and the goal is surely what it’s all about. Apart from the goalkeeper, how else are you to stop someone from whacking the ball into the net? Yet the offside rule is observed religiously. I don’t get it.
Also, if sportsmen are supposed to be role models for youth, why do they dive onto the ground, take part in violent tackles or feign injuries to get extra kicks at the ball? Regrettably, there are also a few idiots who use the game to chant their racist views. It’s one of the few sports where hatred is so overt.
For those afflicted with footballitis, an inflammation of the brain and heart, there isn’t any cure for the condition, but it can be treated with a pint of beer, a packet of Walkers cheese and onion crisps and a season ticket for a Premier League football club.
Then there’s the offside rule. My understanding of this is that if player A is between player B from the opposite team and the goal then player A is offside. The end result is player B gets a free kick or throw or whatever they do. To my simple brain, the whole point of football is to score goals and stop the other side from scoring so getting between player B and the goal is surely what it’s all about. Apart from the goalkeeper, how else are you to stop someone from whacking the ball into the net? Yet the offside rule is observed religiously. I don’t get it.
Also, if sportsmen are supposed to be role models for youth, why do they dive onto the ground, take part in violent tackles or feign injuries to get extra kicks at the ball? Regrettably, there are also a few idiots who use the game to chant their racist views. It’s one of the few sports where hatred is so overt.
Another game that tortures me, but this time with a slow death, is cricket. If anyone asks me my opinion on the sport, I explain that there is only one thing wrong with it: it’s a three hour match played in five days. I can best illustrate this with an example. Some years ago, I was invited to an England vs the Rest of the World one day match at the Oval. After the first couple of balls, I got bored and went for a wander around the museum inside the grounds. I saw a bird that W.G. Grace was supposed to have killed when he knocked a ball into the air, and I wondered why on earth someone would want to celebrate the incident and stuff the creature. After taking a long and studied look at the rest of the exhibits, I returned to the match. Imagine my disappointment when I found out they were still on the first over of six balls. I lost the will to live, knowing I’d have to stay for the rest of the day.
Now, I can’t mention football and cricket without talking about two dates, 30 years apart, which are of equal and unparalleled importance to England and Sri Lanka. There have been wars inbetween, the end of Apartheid and economic booms and busts, but only these two years are firmly imprinted on the minds of men. 1996 is to the Sri Lankans, when they won the World Cup in cricket, what England’s success in 1966 is to the English, when they were number one in football. The World Cup, the last bastion of masculine pride and the hunter-gatherer, represents glory days gone by that quite possibly will never be achieved again in both nations’ most popular sport. And boy, are we going to cling onto the championship memories for as long as we can breathe. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the final score in 1966 is part of the Life in the UK test for British citizenship. (It’s 4-2 by the way).
Now, I can’t mention football and cricket without talking about two dates, 30 years apart, which are of equal and unparalleled importance to England and Sri Lanka. There have been wars inbetween, the end of Apartheid and economic booms and busts, but only these two years are firmly imprinted on the minds of men. 1996 is to the Sri Lankans, when they won the World Cup in cricket, what England’s success in 1966 is to the English, when they were number one in football. The World Cup, the last bastion of masculine pride and the hunter-gatherer, represents glory days gone by that quite possibly will never be achieved again in both nations’ most popular sport. And boy, are we going to cling onto the championship memories for as long as we can breathe. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the final score in 1966 is part of the Life in the UK test for British citizenship. (It’s 4-2 by the way).
The last sport I’ll comment on is boxing. This should be outlawed owing to the number of head injuries it causes. The much-loved Muhammad Ali has Parkinson’s syndrome, which I understand is a common ailment among boxers because of constant blows to the head. Why, when we are supposed to be civilised, do we enjoy watching people batter each other? I know that for some people trying to make their way in the world, boxing is a way out of poverty but there are other sports which aren’t based on assault. It's true that athletes often suffer injuries but hamstring or tendon damage in field and track events isn’t the same thing at all.
And, that’s why I avoid watch boxing, cricket or football. Don’t get me wrong. I love other sports and am glued to the TV the last week of June and the first week of July when Wimbledon is on. In the end though, it’s horses for courses and I’m sure there are avid football and cricket fans who can’t stand tennis, which is not such a bad thing anyway. Life is interesting only because we all come in different shapes, sizes and colours.
And, that’s why I avoid watch boxing, cricket or football. Don’t get me wrong. I love other sports and am glued to the TV the last week of June and the first week of July when Wimbledon is on. In the end though, it’s horses for courses and I’m sure there are avid football and cricket fans who can’t stand tennis, which is not such a bad thing anyway. Life is interesting only because we all come in different shapes, sizes and colours.
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